Selasa, 10 Desember 2013

Gained My Strengths Back!

I gain my strengths back!
I gain my passion in my subject back, thank God.
I just have to find the right stimuli - and the right environment.
Find real books to read, meet real lecturer who teach real lessons--not common sense and common knowledge.
I can learn from this Rancho in 3 Idiots, that we're not striving for scores, we strive for knowledge.
And now, I can read this Social Research Methods book in a very high enthusiasm. Just like the first times.
Ah, I really love this..

picture source : pinterest

Senin, 09 Desember 2013

Sampai Kapan?

I don't know. Sampai kapan aku mau marah begini?
Aku ingin jadi diriku sendiri.
Aku ingin orang-orang memperlakukanku sebagai diriku sendiri.
Bukan sebagai topeng yang kupakai.
Mungkin salahku.. I made that mask.
I made people treat me like that.
I did it.
So maybe I should open that mask...
This time for real..

Ah.. Still Confused..

Some people say, I actually am a genius (the word 'genius' is too high I guess, maybe just 'smart' can do).
But why do they treat me like an idiot?
Like they are always and always smarter than me?

Unlike other people, I always thrive to understand things. Deeper.
Sometimes I wonder if they really understand those things or not.
But they don't even realize.. that they actually don’t understand.
For example, they actually don’t understand those lessons the way they should be understood.
And they thought what they know is enough. But it is not.

So why am I the stupidest of all?
Is it because I forget things?
Is it because I can’t comprehend to what they said?
Is it because I always have different way of thinking than theirs, so it’s kinda hard to explain to me something in their way of thinking, or vice versa?
Or am I just suck in communication? And social life?
Or is it because I always act foolish? And make myself a clown?

So what’s the reason? What is it?

-this post is edited already. the words are nicer than before. hoho. *santa's laugh* - 

Jumat, 06 Desember 2013

A Little Black Bird In a Sad, Young Man's Hand - Song Writing

So I wrote a song again. Not a common genre, but my genre. 
Lagunya bercerita tentang seorang laki-laki yang selalu gagal dalam cinta. Terlalu lelah untuk mencoba lagi, namun merindukan kasih sayang dan hati untuk disayangi. Tentang seekor burung yang terluka, tidak mampu terbang lagi, namun merindukan rumah yang entah di mana. Soundcloudnya akan kuupload kalau sudah sempat. Enjoy :)

There's a story about
A little black bird
With broken wings
And a wounded feet
Who knows, who knows
How many miles he has been through
Far away from his home

And there's this sad young man
With a broken heart
Too tired to try again
Who knows, who knows
How many miles he has been through
Longing for someone to be called 'home'

A little black bird in a sad, young man's hand
Both have the same wish in their hearts (to be home)
Too tired, too scattered, to even fly or try again
For they have fall to hard,
And all their hopes are gone
Can't we go home?

So they sat for a while
Healing each other's wound
With no words, only silence
Just knowing that they're not alone

A little black bird in a sad, young man's hand
Both have the same wish in their hearts (to be home)
Too tired, too scattered, but hope has come to live their eyes
Now they can stand
They can jump
And they can fly



Now can we go home?

Once You Open Your Mask..

Found something today :
Once you open your mask, and simply be yourself, you'll realize that you'll no longer be surrounded by people who you actually don't want to be with.
When you open your mask, people who actually wants to be with the real you will eventually get closer.
When you know who you are, the right place and the right people will find you out.

Rabu, 04 Desember 2013

Constantly Disappointed..

So I got constantly disappointed... by the world which doesn't meet my expectation.
Why do I always be the only one doing everything with so much enthusiasm?
Not sure if I am too compulsive or my friends need more motivation...
Not sure if I am the wrong person in the right place,
or the right person in a wrong place.
Which one is right?


Kamis, 21 November 2013

Thank You :)

How I love today.
Thank you, for those people who are willing to help this hopeless girl.
Haha.
I'm just glad, I found myself.
And being able to open my mask.
So I'll be able to be found, by the people who are actually finding me, finding my kind of people.
Letting people treat me for who I am..
I now have a new perspective about myself.
I know my position, know the truth about myself.
And I don't have to wonder anymore..
So once again, thank you... :)

picture source : mirdinara.com

Minggu, 17 November 2013

Anger.. again.

Anger.
Who is that girl,
who keeps so much anger to the world she's living in?
It's not so easy to fit in, no matter how hard she tries.
In fact, she feels like... she doesn't belong here.
She belongs to nowhere.
And when the world starts to misunderstand her, and underestimate her, she starts to be mad.
Mad with the situation she's facing.
Mad with everything--with everyone.
Isn't it hard to be different? She likes to be unique and authentic, but her surrounding just can't accept it.
Her surrounding asks her to be the same,
to be normal, to be like everyone else--that's what the society demand all the time.
I have so much to offer to the world, she said.
But the world doesn't let her show them off.
The world just can't see it,
blurred by the shallow judgement they easily make,
to the ones different from them.
So here she is,
sitting and wondering,
why is she so different.
So why?

Rabu, 13 November 2013

Entahlah.

Entahlah. Kalau ada yang bilang senang sama saya,
mungkin dia belum benar-benar kenal saya.
Mungkin hanya melihat dari jauh,
belum tahu seluk beluk pikiran saya--yang jauh berbeda dari orang-orang lain.
Respon saya juga entah kenapa, malah bilang 'takut'.
Bukan takut 'menyukai tapi tidak disukai',
tapi takut 'disukai dan tidak menyukai'..
Takut sama perasaan bersalah, perasaan nggak enak.
Begitulah.
Entahlah.

Senin, 11 November 2013

Niat Baik.. Tapi?

Kadang niat baik nggak selalu diikuti respon yang baik ya. 
Malah jadi bahan tertawaan, kadang. 
Dibicarakan sebagai orang tolol. 
Padahal... hanya berniat baik.

Sabtu, 09 November 2013

True : Procrastination and Perfectionism

"When the reality doesn’t turn out to be less perfect than we envision, INFPs tend to procrastinate finishing projects or end up leaving activities and picking up completely new ones. Moving from activity to activity until we hit upon something that we can do well enough to match our idealism leads us to become good at many things but masters of none."

this is very me..

Selasa, 05 November 2013

Marah.

Marah. Sedang marah. Sedang duduk di depan laptop, berusaha menenangkan diri, menjauh dari orang-orang lain. Membiarkan marah itu ada di situ, tidak dipikirkan, tidak dipaksa keluar. Biarkan dia ada di situ. Menunggu sampai mereda. Sambil dipikirkan.

Pantaskah aku marah? Itu hanya hal kecil. Hal sepele. Dan bila aku marah, bukan orang lain yang salah, tapi akulah yang kekanak-kanakan. Karena itu aku mundur. Bersembunyi dahulu sambil merenung. Adakah yang salah denganku? Benarkah posisiku?

Tidak biasanya aku marah seperti ini. Biasanya, aku membiarkan semuanya lewat begitu saja tanpa kumasukkan ke hati. Biasanya, aku hanya mengangguk sambil tersenyum, dan bilang 'tidak apa-apa' sambil tertawa, menyenangkan orang lain. Seringkali, aku tidak mau memikirkannya, lalu melupakannya secepat mungkin, walaupun aku sadar orang lain yang salah. Langsung melupakan kronologisnya, apapun itu, biarkan saja. Lebih baik dilupakan, supaya tidak ada konflik. Supaya tidak ada rasa tidak enak.

Tapi kali ini berbeda. Kali ini, aku tidak ingin melakukan itu lagi. Kali ini, aku ingin berlatih.. berlatih tahu posisiku, berlatih mengingat kejadian. Karena kalau tidak begitu, selamanya aku akan hidup di awang-awang. Tanpa kejelasan, tanpa tahu ke mana aku berpihak, tanpa tahu kebenaran, tanpa tahu kesalahan, dan pada akhirnya aku tidak memperbaiki apa-apa di masa depan.

Maka tadi, emosi itu muncul. Kecenderungan untuk berkata 'tidak apa-apa' sambil tertawa kuabaikan. Kubiarkan rasa marah itu muncul pelan-pelan. Sambil mengulik kembali kejadiannya. Kenapa bisa seperti ini, kenapa bisa salah. Siapa yang salah, siapa yang lupa. Pada akhirnya, aku memang tetap tertawa sambil berkata 'tidak apa-apa', tapi setelah menyadari bahwa aku marah, bahwa aku dirugikan, bahwa bukan aku yang salah. Itu lebih baik, daripada langsung menyalahkan diri sendiri dan melupakan semua, semua kesalahan yang dibuat orang lain terhadapku. Itu lebih baik, daripada melupakan semuanya dan menjadikan diriku orang yang tidak tahu apa-apa ketika ditanya. Marah itu baik.. saat bisa dikendalikan. Diterima dan dikuasai.

Sabtu, 02 November 2013

I Don't Like..

I don't like talking to the people who can't appreciate differences.
Because I'm different.
I don't like being given fake smiles.
Because I can tell when someone gives a fake, fake, smile.
And it feels like those people kinda underestimate me.
I don't like talking about unimportant things.
Because I see bigger things.
Maybe not 'bigger' in your own way,
but my own way.

Soundcloud :)

If you please,
you can check out my profile at soundcloud.com!
Not much, but I do what I like.
Maybe you'll like it too.
Then we can have a band.
And a performance.
Lol.

https://soundcloud.com/gebbiela

I tried to write some songs there,
definitely not the common genre, just being me.
And pouring my true feelings into songs,
I kinda like it.
It's like my sublimation, or catharsis, aaa idk how to call it,
but it can relief my pain, really. :)

To the People I Adore

To the people I adore, thank you.
Just.. thank you.
Please stay adorable.
:)


Sabtu, 26 Oktober 2013

F(e)ll in Love Once

there's a big girl in a town
she fell in love, but she didn't know.
all she knew is that her heart beats too fast,
with no reason.
and she had no power to stop it.
this might be something, she thought.
but it was not any disease.
it's just a boy knocking her heart.
falling in love is too beautiful.
once you start, you don't want to stop,
even when you already know that everything has their END.
it's too nice to be ignored.
like a stranger on your ears saying:
hey honey, I'm love,
I'm knock-knocking your heart.
let me in,
everything's gonna be warm and comfy.

It's better to have it once than never had it at all.

2011

Puisi Lama.. 2 Tahun Lalu. :)

gadis itu tak pernah tahu kalau ia cantik.
yang ia tahu, semua yang ada pada dirinya itu salah. 
dan sesuatu yang salah, harus selalu diubah..
tapi ia tidak bisa.
karena ia sudah sempurna, tidak bisa diubah lagi.
dan gadis itu tidak pernah tahu.


ia tidak pernah tahu ada padang bunga di hatinya.
padang bunga yang selalu dilihatnya di hati orang lain,
yang membuatnya tertunduk lesu menginginkan hal yang sama.
menginginkan apa yang sebenarnya sudah ia punya.
dan ia tidak pernah tahu tentang rona wajahnya,
warna matanya,
sudut hidungnya,
ataupun bentuk tubuhnya.
semuanya gelap, dan ia mulai bermain-main dengan imajinasi.
ia mulai mengarang, dan ia mengarang hal yang salah.


tapi bantuan selalu datang.
masih ada matahari yang selama ini dikiranya tak pernah mau muncul.
mentari itu naik, dan menyinari wajahnya,
mengejutkannya dengan kenyataan yang menyenangkan.
mentari itu terus naik,
dan berhasil merembes ke hatinya, 
menghangatkan padang bunga itu.


gadis itu tersenyum.
ia melihat segalanya:
rona wajahnya, 
warna tubuhnya,
bunga-bunga di hatinya.
senyum yang kembali ke wajahnya itu mengubah semuanya. 
ia bahagia dengan sendirinya.
dan tak ada apapun,
apapun,
 yang bisa mengalahkan seorang gadis yang bahagia.
gadis itu, gadis dalam gelap itu, sekarang gadis yang bahagia.




Batam, 16 Juli 2011

Puisi Lama Part 1

ada seorang gadis,
yang tinggal di dalam gelap.
ia tidak tahu apa itu senyuman.
tidak tahu apa itu bahagia.
ia terlalu terkurung dalam kungkungan yang dibuatnya sendiri.
kurungan yang dirakitnya sedikit demi sedikit sepanjang umur hidupnya.
tanpa menyadari bahwa hidup di balik jeruji itu akan sangat mengerikan.
tapi.. ia sudah terlanjur membuatnya.



lalu ia tumbuh dewasa.. dan menyadarinya.
ia merasa sempit dan terkurung.
ia menangis.
ia tidak bahagia, ia tahu itu.
tapi ia tidak tahu apa yang harus diperbuat.



tapi sekarang ia tahu, bahwa kurungannya itu menipu.
jeruji besi itu ternyata begitu mudah untuk dibongkar.
sekarang ia tahu,
bahwa senyuman itu berharga.
dan ia bersumpah tidak akan membiarkannya hilang.



Batam, 16 Juli 2011

BRAVE

I believe that I can change my fate.
I believe that I can have a big amount of faith towards it.
I believe, I believe.

I believe that I can live with my very own way.
Not to follow any expectation,
Just be free and be me.
I believe, if I'm brave enough to do that,
I'll be just fine.. I can survive.

I want to be like her.
I'm gonna be like her. 
I'm gonna chase my dreams, my every dreams.
To run, and to fly, is what I'm gonna do.
To reach a wisdom called freedom, is what I'm craving for.
Because when you're free, 
You're alive.

Picture taken from google. Merida fan art by Pennysilver.
written 27/10, 12.00 am.. Inspired after watched (again) this movie called Brave.

Jumat, 25 Oktober 2013