Drawings #1

a drawing of some children reaching their dreams.

Another Goal. For Now.

If someone ever come into my room to ask for a homework, and caught me watching some movies in my netbook or just lying down for hours thinking about something very hard, he might think that I have no skill to prioritize my tasks. He might say I'm wasting my time doing nothing, just having fun, and not going to do something serious. I tell you now, if that really happen, I'll kill him with my eyesight saying: I have different thing to prioritize, and it's none of your business. Get out of my room.

I can be brighter in class if I want to, but it's not my prior goal for now. I haven't find the right environment to be really competitive and excited with any other intelligent people. I have another goal.. for now. You may not know it, you never know what's really happening in somebody else's life. You don't know what I'm through.. Or you may know, but it's just a guess, and a guess can be wrong. 

Random Sh*t.

I know. I was a clown. I made myself a clown. But you guys has taken it too far now. Can you stop? You  really don't know the line between joke and hurting other's feeling.

It's not only about jokes.. It has always been unfair for me. When I always struggle very hard to do the right thing, other people just walk away so easily, leaving me feeling devastated and tired. When I always try to say 'yes' to help other people, most of the people I ask for help says 'no' with so many excuses. When I always consider other people's feeling, following their will, letting they choose where we'll eat or where we're gonna do the homework together, I never forced my wishes, I swallowed my wishes so I can please you guys. And now.. what do I get? Nothing but devastation.

So I decided to stop all of these. I'm tired to be a yes-man. I'm tired to help people and have myself trapped in the process. I'm tired to be a nice girl who always being used by some other people. I can be angry, too. You guys may have heard that silent people keeps the most terrible anger.. that may be true.

Sometimes, I let the anger out. I remember that time, when he seems to use me for my high scores in school, I became very angry inside, and start to ride my motorcycle in high speed. That was fun, and relieving. But most of the time, I don't show it. I keep them deep in my heart, accumulated and slowly decayed. And it can explode any time, with the right stimulus that shoot straight to my weakness spot.

So please, don't disturb me now. I just need some courage to start changing a few things. And it start.. now. Now.

Kebebasan.

I haven't find it. The freedom that most people are talking about. Aku bertanya, kapankah itu? Kapan aku menemukan kebebasan, dan mulai hidup di dalamnya? Society sucks.. dan aku tidak bisa menemukan kebebasan di dalamnya. Aku ingin sendiri, menjalani hidup dengan caraku sendiri, tanpa penilaian orang, tanpa campur tangan manusia lain yang tidak mengerti diriku. Aku lelah dimanfaatkan dan disalahmengerti. Aku lelah menjadi orang baik, yang terus-terusan mengiyakan apa kata orang lain dan mengorbankan diriku sendiri. Aku lelah ditertawakan diam-diam, dianggap aneh dan berbeda. Aku cuma ingin bebas. Bebas dari semua rasa bersalah, bebas dari semua tuntutan sosial. Aku ingin bebas menjadi diriku sendiri. Menampilkan diriku apa adanya. Menulis perasaanku apa adanya. Tertawa pada apa yang aku anggap lucu, bukan apa yang mereka anggap lucu. Menyukai lagu-lagu yang kusukai, bukan lagu-lagu jaman sekarang yang tidak kusukai. Aku cuma ingin bebas.
Mungkin, aku aku memang tidak ditakdirkan untuk menjadi manusia sosial. Mungkin, semua usahaku selama ini harus dihentikan. Berhenti trying to fit in. Berhenti mencoba memenuhi standar mereka. Mungkin, aku lebih cocok bekerja sendiri, menghasilkan sesuatu sendiri. Seperti seorang artist. Seperti seorang ilmuwan. Seperti Victor dalam Frankenweenie, yang walaupun tidak punya teman, tapi tetap senang menjadi dirinya apa adanya.
Tapi aku tidak mau. Aku ingin hidup bersama orang lain. Bersama teman. Aku ingin tertawa bersama teman, saling mendukung dan membantu. Benar-benar ada bersama mereka, berproses bersama mereka, mengalami hal-hal yang menyenangkan atau menyedihkan.
Seperti apa kata Chris dalam film Into the Wild (yang baru saja kutonton): Happiness only means when shared.. That's it.

Late-night Thought : Socmed as 'Public' Diary

why some ppl tweet such personal things?  like making socmed as a 'public' diary? because, ppl want to spit their feelings out. It's somehow human because ppl HAVE TO spit their feelings of. If they don't, it can lead to depression someday. conventionally, this is done among friends. But now, when ppl are closer to their gadget, when gadgets become ppl's primary friends, twitter (and the other socmeds) becomes the place to spit it out. the second reason may be because some ppl want to be heard. and this socmed is the perfect way to do it. any other opinions?